If you go to a leader, whether it be someone in the workplace or your church or even within a family dynamic, to inform them of how you, or someone else you know about, has been mistreated in their sphere of influence and they choose to disregard what you have shared, then let me share a few pointers with you with what is going on.
Disregarding the pain and harmful experience you shared is not right.
And if that leader has somehow made you feel guilt or shame for exposing wrong behavior, then know that that leader is in error. They are ignorant of how to lead well, or they do not want to admit if they have done something they should not have and correct their own wrong, or they do not want to take the responsibility that is theirs to bring correction, or worse, they put that responsibility to correct the offender on your shoulders alone.
Leaders carry a burden to right the wrongs and to confront what needs to be confronted.
Being dismissed or treated poorly after clearly pointing out what needs to be dealt with should not bring doubt in your mind that you did something wrong. When a leader makes you believe that the wrong you see is not something to be burdened about, then it is highly possible that that leader is gaslighting you. Seek outside wisdom to help you recognize this behavior.
It is easier to ignore and sweep under the rug problems that arise, than to deal with them head on. And a leader that gaslights or makes the victim feel unheard and not validated is a leader that cares about their own time and energy, rather than caring for those they lead. And they will make it clear that they do not like those that rock the boat.
Like all of us, I have experienced really good leadership and very poor leadership. I have had opportunity to be a leader as well, and had plenty of room to grow in my leading skills.
Good leadership brings with it a feeling of being safe, of being heard and an understanding made clear by them of the expectations and guidelines for those they lead.
Poor leadership feels unsafe. You will second guess yourself often, feel insecure in the relationship and be made to believe that you are the problem if you do bring up an issue. The negative feelings you carry are meant for you to carry as the leader uses these to put those they lead in line. If you are kept in the unsure box, they feel in control.
A leader that needs to feel in control of those they lead are not leading well at all.
Jesus showed us true leadership. It is sacrificial, it is giving, it is showing love and kindness while also being vulnerable. And it is servanthood. A true leader serves those they lead, not control or harm them.
There will be unintentional hurt received, because we are all still learning and growing, but look for the patterns of what I shared above. If their leadership shows patterns of gaslighting, being passive aggressive, refusal to take responsibility or be held accountable or hold anyone else accountable for their wrong behaviors, then you have found yourself under a very unhealthy and poor leader.
Ask the Lord to show you what to do if this is a leadership you find yourself under. He will lead your steps and give you grace and strength to walk them out.
It grieves my heart when people find themselves under a very poor leader and feel responsible to remain loyal to that leader. Oftentimes loyalty to poor leadership reveals what is in our hearts as well. Wounds that are seeking healing in something that is comfortable, or rather poor treatment they are used to from previous harmful relationships, will keep people tethered to bad leaders. Healing of those wounds will uncover what we are blind to see.
May God place you under the right leadership where you feel peace and safe, and you find you are growing in a healthy way under them.